Introduction

I have two more messages on love applied to marriage. In both we will draw from the well of 1 Peter 3:1-12. Today’s message is titled "Wives, Husbands, and All of You." Now even though a core of things discussed today will apply in a particular way to wives and husbands, this Peter passage shows that the principles of love apply in all stations of life. Therefore, what is required of wives and husbands illustrates what is required of all Christians in principle. How wife and husband relate to each other should exemplify Christian graces.

We are simply talking about being a Christian husband or being a Christian wife. Thus, a Christian husband will look for guidance from Scripture both from passages that define marriage and the role of the husband in particular and from passages that define being a Christian in general. A Christian wife will look to Scripture for guidance from passages that define marriage and the role of the wife in particular and from passages that define being a Christian in general. Thus guidance is sought from the Lord on being a Christian man and a Christian woman. Then the question becomes, "how does a Christian man conduct himself in a godly way in his various roles in life, especially in his role as husband?" And the question becomes, "how does a Christian woman conduct herself in a godly way in her various roles in life, especially in her role as a wife?"

In this light, today we will cover some general principles of love that pertain to wives, husbands, and all of you. Because these are general principles, we can outline the message by key terms followed by the statement of principle related to each term. When I give the terms you might try to anticipate the principles signaled by each. The terms are example, fellowship, repentance, and nourishment (I will leave the discussion of nourishment to next week; it will end this series and bridge a path to the next series.).

1A. Example

Fundamentally, it is all a matter of how we relate to Christ in our various relationships of life. That is where Peter directs us: to Christ. We are to follow the example of Christ.

The subjection of wives, the leadership of husbands, and the love of the Christian family are all rooted in the example of Christ. This is the point of each use of the term likewise (1 Pet. 3:1, 7) and this term casts its shadow over the use of finally (3:8; cf. "for Christ also," v. 18 that directs all to the example of Christ). What was said of servants applies to wives, husbands, all of us (1 Pet. 2:18-25, "Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps).

Thus wives, be subject to your husbands from the hidden person of the heart and with a marvelous display of Christian graces, especially the grace of submission like that displayed by the Lord Jesus who "suffered for you leaving you an example." His speech was honoring to God and man (no deceit in his mouth, 2:22). He hoped in God "entrusting himself to him who judges justly" (2:23, justice will be perfectly manifested in the final day). Where the trials in this regard are great, He has provided you a way of escape (1 Cor. 10:13) and a way of hope, peace, and courage (1 Pet. 3:1-6). Do this even when (especially when) your husband is disobedient to the word.

Husbands: live in a house of knowledge with your wives and give them special honor (1 Pet. 3:7). Husband, cherish your wife and seek her spiritual nourishment. Acknowledge and show that you understand God’s design in the feminine qualities that make her unique. Honor her in your speech to her and about her; never put her down. In other words, love her like Christ loved the church in sacrificing Himself on the cross (for you). He bore your sins and He is your Shepherd and Overseer (2:24-25). Follow in His steps in how He shepherds and oversees your soul. How does He treat you? That is how you are to treat your wife with loving kindness beyond measure! Be a shepherd and overseer like Christ to your wife; love her as He loved the church. Sacrifice yourself for her; be unselfish, spouse centered instead of self-centered, and kind in thought word and deed.

That is a profound standard to be sure but attainable in sufficient degree by all who seek the Lord and make diligent use of the means He has provided. This is not pie in the sky. Instead, it is a house on a rock. If you fail to take up these duties to the Lord, you show yourself to be a fool who builds his life (and home) on sinking sand. Wise is the man indeed who clings to Christ and who therefore plunders the kingdom of God for treasures to lavish on his wife. Obviously, this refers to gems, jewels, and rubies of Christ-like love.

Finally, to all of you (to all of us), Peter says in effect, "Follow the example of Christ your elder brother who is tenderhearted in His care of you. He humbled Himself to the greatest humiliation of the cross (3:8 with 2:21-25). How can you do anything less than humble yourselves to one another in family love, brotherly love, and sisterly love? All of you should display the Christian graces that are to be displayed in marriage."

2A. Fellowship

The second principle is contained in the word fellowship. Just as we speak of fellowship with God and His dear Son, of fellowship with the Holy Spirit (the communion of the Spirit), and of fellowship with the saints (1 Jn. 1:3; Acts 2:42), it is fitting to speak of the fellowship of husband and wife. By fellowship is meant a friendly relationship; we must maintain an openness, freedom, and spontaneity of friendship in marriage. Your spouse should be your best friend. This is so because a covenant of companionship is the essence of marriage.

This principle of fellowship is part and parcel of fellowship with God. If a husband and wife are not in fellowship their prayers will be hindered! (Cf. 1 Pet. 3:7). Accent is placed on the husband as the spiritual leader but application extends to wives and to all relationships in general for broken fellowship with man is inseparable from broken fellowship with God. No one, professing Christian piety dripping like syrup notwithstanding, can love God and hate his neighbor. We are to love God in the neighbor, in showing love to the neighbor (cf. James and 1 John: to all near ones who cross our paths, especially those in need as in the parable of the Good Samaritan, Lk. 10:25-37; this text and units like this make for great reading together).

This brings up the very important fact that a marriage is a triangular relationship with God the Creator of marriage at the top of the triangle. Each spouse has a relationship with God and the health of that relationship will determine the true and spiritual health of the relationship of husband and wife. But this must also be turned around using the word fellowship: the fellowship of husband and wife determines the health of their relationship with God.

Thus a major principle of a loving marriage is fellowship preservation. Maintain fellowship with the Lord and with one another! These are inseparables. Problems here are not always easy to see. Perhaps the illustration of an aroma will drive the point home to your hearts and homes (adapted from Wilson’s Reforming Marriage, 9-12). Your relationship like your home dispels either a fragrant aroma or an unpleasant odor. Which it is can easily be detected by other people who visit your home or witness your relationship. But it may be difficult for you, the home owners, the husband and wife, to detect the smell. What should be there when others are not present is a friendly atmosphere and that is what others will sense when they enter your home or come into your presence. Do they get a whiff of baked bread or the stench of something that stinks in Denmark?

True friendship is not a show when others are present; it is a life. Friction of broken fellowship fills the air with a smoky stench. The atmosphere is stuffy, stifling, and unpleasant. Fellowship is broken with God because it is broken with one another and broken with one another because it is broken with God. But preserved fellowship, fellowship preservation, fellowship maintenance produces an aroma well pleasing to God (Eph. 5:1-2, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."). If that is the case, then anyone who visits your home will feel welcomed and will pick up a scent of that fragrance that rises up to heaven. So maintain fellowship by imitating God and by walking in love!

3A. Repentance

The problem is sin and the solution is repentance. It is sin that breaks fellowship with God and with others. Pointedly, all things being equal, the husband is superior to his wife in sinning. Given the principles of headship and helper-ship, a marriage is not a fifty-fifty proposition; let’s say it is fifty-one to forty-nine. Thus in that relationship, the husband has the greater responsibility and, all things being equal, is the greater sinner. The loving leader in the home must be the first one on his knees in confession of sin to the Lord, and face to face to his wife and the members of his family. It is difficult to admit that our speech to our wives has been sinful, short, terse, or dishonoring. It is difficult to do it again and again. But when it happens (and it surely has happened and will happen again), it is to be acknowledged. Conversely, the "seventy times seventy" principle of love and forgiveness kicks in here. In this case, wives are called upon to exercise great grace in Christ to forgive, hold back their anger, and restrain their irritability (1 Cor 13:4-5).

Everything becomes extremely difficult if sins are left to fester too long. Hence the need to keep short accounts. Wilson comments on some things a married couple should never do: never split up until things are resolved, never let anyone into your home when there is no harmony there, and never go anywhere else when you are out of fellowship (Reforming Marriage, 74). These suggestions may seem odd if not ridiculous. They may be taken by some as principles that insure divorce. It sounds like you would never go anywhere or have anyone into your home, at least not for long periods of time. But they will only sound that way if we miss the key point that a couple can get back in fellowship, he says, just as quickly as they can get out of fellowship by "admittance of being in the wrong" (74). We should weigh this point. Long periods of broken fellowship indicate that sins have accumulated an unmanageable debt to the other and most of all to God!

The idea of not admitting others into your home unless you are in fellowship is simply an extension of the principle and grace of hospitality. Being hospitable is a godly quality that welcomes others into fellowship. But this cannot be truly or properly done if what you admit them to is a place of tension that is in a momentary time out from warfare. On the other hand, how can you go and join in fellowship with others when your fellowship with each other is blocked? Having an unmanaged sin debt inevitably means that something stinks. That stench goes with us even if we do not notice it like a smoker who cannot smell the smoke on his clothes. (Before extending the length of the stack for the wood stove, we had difficulty at times with smoke in the living room. This happened on a Sunday morning and when we went to church it became evident that what we could not smell others could smell!).

Tied to the preceding point of fellowship, the bottom line here is that you should never separate to go off to work, etc. in a state of broken fellowship. Never depart on bad terms, from a state of unpleasantness or unfriendliness. Where do I get this principle? It accumulates from a number of basic things: "do not let the sun go down on your wrath" coupled with the driving commitment of marriage as a covenant of companionship and friendship plus "settle matters quickly." It derives from the fact that fellowship with God and fellowship with wife or husband are inseparables: the fellowship triangle is a unit and the principles apply one to the other analogously. This calls for moment by moment marriage maintenance regarding the covenant with one another and the Lord (in the Lord and unto the Lord, cf. the godly triangular dimension of marriage). This is basic. It should be an iron clad rule that governs the relationship of husband and wife. It should be a law of the Medes and Persians that does not change.

So you do all in your power to preserve fellowship and peace with each other and with the risen Lord. If your spouse resists the call to fellowship, then you do all that you can up to the limits imposed by the sins of the other. But let it not be the case that these limits are imposed your sin. We must each say, "I stand before Christ. He is my prophet, priest, and king. I will serve Him in this situation by His grace, even if my spouse is disobedient to the word."

A godly marriage must begin with sin. To have a Christian family you have to start with sin. That is, we must begin with the full and due recognition of sin which includes its acknowledgment to the family members on an ongoing basis. It has to be reiterated at different times and in different stages of the marriage. It cannot be used as an excuse in the old word game of "I am what I am, I’m not perfect." In biblical terms confession includes remorse for the wrongs we commit. It also includes determination to replace sinful responses with righteous ones by the Lord’s help and through much determined effort.

No Christian husband can simply shrug his shoulders and say, "I am what I am, I can’t change" (nor can this be said by a Christian wife or by any Christian for that matter). He has to say "I am determined to change by God’s grace as I take up His appointed means in repentance and faith." This is simply a dimension of being a disciple of Christ and clinging to Him as your prophet, priest, and king. Otherwise, you make a mockery of the gospel and show yourself to be foolish rather than wise.

The repentant life involves work (this is simply discipleship learning at work). It means that you cultivate a cluster of Christian virtues or graces as taught in places like Romans 13, 1 Corinthians 13, the love commandment, and the golden rule. For example, a yielding spirit is a way of honoring one another in the Lord with a submissive heart before God who opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (Jam. 4:6). This means that we will try our best to out do one another in yielded-ness (cf. the "you go first and have your way, no you" instead of "me, my, and I." As long as someone yields things will never stagnate. This is essential in resolving differences. It is part of consideration, the opposite of rudeness, as an expression of love. If we can never get past the "nevers" mentioned above then we are like the two Zacks in the children’s story. The north going Zack met head to head with the south going Zack and they inevitably butted heads. And neither would give in to the other. So time passed. Winter came and snow but there they stood in determined opposition to one another. Spring, summer, fall, and another winter came and went and there they stood neither willing to yield to the other. We can all quickly say, "my how silly that is" but how many of us are guilty of such conduct ourselves?

It takes the work of repentance to detect stenches in Denmark and it takes work to cultivate the cluster of love graces. In other words, it takes work to live the Christian life. But it is all for Christ and without question He is worthy of love, sacrifice, and the work of repentance. So go back to the love chapter and to the other passages on love and on the golden rule. Prayerfully reflect on them seeking the Lord’s help to apply them in your life and in your marriage. Fall on your knees before the risen Lord and acknowledge your need of change. Ask for Augustine’s blessing: say, "Lord, take me from behind my back where I have placed me and show me my true self." Seek His enabling, and commit yourself to determined effort, to whatever it takes to be a loving husband, to be a loving wife, and to be a loving Christian.

Benediction

May the Lord grant His blessing on us as a church family, as individuals, and as wives and husbands. May He grant the convicting work of the Holy Spirit that the eyes of our hearts may be enlightened that we may know the risen Lord Jesus better and better, and may that knowledge create an aroma in our family and families that ascends as a sweet fragrance to His throne in the heavens. To Him be the honor and glory forever, amen.