Introduction

My title for today’s message is "A Christian Marriage in a Fallen World." You do not have to guess where I am going when I draw attention to the problem of marriage. Without question the problem is sin in our fallen world. More needs to be said than what I am saying here but there are two central tendencies to sin that pertain to the distinct roles of husband and wife. Given the roles of headship and helper-ship, sin obscures and blocks proper leadership and proper submission. Sin cuts across the central duties of each partner in the marriage. We might say that the husband tends toward tyranny and the wife tends toward anarchy. The sins that grow from these roots are sins that pertain to those who have authority and to those who are under authority.

Therefore, we cannot repeat the point too often that the key to marriage as a divine institution is faith and repentance toward Christ in general and heartfelt obedience to His example in particular. The key is faith in Christ and following His example. Husbands are to follow His example of headship and wives are to follow His example of helper-ship. This is a divinely set order that leads to a loving marriage that glorifies God.

Faith in Christ and following His example is the solution to the problem of sin and its effects in the human family at large just as it is the solution to the sin problem that affects husband and wife. Let’s see how Peter (in 1 Pet. 3) directs husband and wife as well as the whole church to follow the example of Christ. My outline follows the categories of people addressed: wives (3:1-6), husbands (3:7), all of you (3:8-9). I will only comment on the last point when we get to the conclusion. So my two main points on this text are phrased as exhortations: "Wives, exercise godly helper-ship and husbands, exercise godly headship."

1A. Wives, in this fallen world, exercise godly helper-ship

1B. In this context, a godly helper seeks to obey Christ even if the husband is disobedient.

Indication of the fact of the fall is part of the call of wives to helper-ship submission "even if some do not obey the word" (1 Pet. 3:1). Sin deflects us from the divine order of things. The result may be that both parties in a marriage stray from what God commands. It may be that one seeks to serve the Lord and the other has no heart for God. It may be a seesaw in which first one gains ground spiritually while the other has set backs then the reverse happens. Here Peter speaks of the husband who is disobedient to the word (what he says about submission applies analogously to leadership when it is the wife that is disobedient to the word).

The seesaw effect brings up the important point that as a Christian you can never properly take the position that you will do your part if and when your spouse does his or her part. Consider how some people read the golden rule. They take it to be saying, "Whatever others do for you do that for them" (i.e. if they scratch my back then I will scratch their back, after all, one good deed deserves another). We often feel like saying, if we don’t actually say something to this effect: "Why should I always be the first to do the right thing, why am I always the one who forgives and gives in or yields?" Your spouse may be disobedient to the word but you live unto Christ ultimately in the relationship you have to your spouse (cf. the triangle with Christ at the top; in relating to each other both husband and wife inescapably relate to the risen Lord).

The wife’s duty like all Christian duty is not contingent on others; she first looks to Christ to hear what He requires of her in her relation to a disobedient husband. What Peter has written here is the word of Christ through His appointed apostle. Obedience to His command to submit to her husband is the foundation of her godly helper-ship. Then we have to emphasize the point that the wife seeks obedience especially when the husband is disobedient for that is when her commitment to Christ is truly tested (it is easy to submit when everything "goes your way").

2B. A godly helper seeks to adorn the hidden person of the heart

Heart attitude is vital in true Christianity. Note how it is indicated in the contrast between "external" adorning and "the hidden person of the heart" (4:3-4). This is the beauty of womanhood and "wifery" that is "very precious" in God’s sight. Under God’s watchful eye and in His presence and fellowship the wife’s ultimate beauty is found in the clothing of her heart and not in the clothing of her body. The gospel of Christ works from the inside out.

The heart attitudes that are mentioned in this context are very interesting. There are three of them cited. If you were guessing I wonder what attitudes you would think Peter would cite. He does not rule out others but speaks of three that are especially appropriate for wives in a fallen world. They are especially needed and particularly beneficial and revealing. They are hope, gentleness, and courage.

1) When Peter confirms his point of heart beauty, he cites the example of holy women in the OT who "hoped in God" (3:5). That is how they adorned themselves in submitting to their husbands. Where do holy women fix their hearts? It is on God and His promises for the future in the coming of Christ and the restoration of sinners from the effects of the fall through Him. This comes about in the immediate future in the process of the time between the comings of Christ and it will be consummated in the final day of resurrection glory and eternal Sabbath rest. This is how she submits to her husband even if he is disobedient: she anticipates and expects the final harvest in the noon day sun of the day that has already dawned (Rom. 13:11-12). This hope is cultivated in her heart by the Scriptures (Rom. 15:4).

2) The quiet spirit is very precious to God (1 Pet. 3:4). The husband displays this failure and that failure (all husbands do). Her response under the banner of Christ is to a have a calm spirit. She is not a raging sea inside. She is not like the wicked that are like the sea tossed to and fro with no rest. She has her heart fixed on God; she is encouraged by the Scriptures.

3) It is her hope in God that gives her courage. As she faces many frightening things, even those that arise out of the sins of her husband and the insecurity that he "provides" rather than the security that he ought to provide. She is a child of Sarah, the mother of the faithful, when she does not fear anything that is frightening (1 Pet. 3:6). She must speak to the Lord in this way: "you have said that you will never leave me nor forsake me, therefore, I can say I will not fear anything this is frightening" (cf. Heb. 13:5-8, note the entire context of v. 6).

3B. A godly helper seeks the beauty of good conduct (cf. 1 Cor. 13:6; Rom. 12:21).

Even with a disobedient husband, the wife who obeys Christ displays graces that the most obtuse and spiritually blind husband can see (even if he refuses to acknowledge what he sees as is often the case; disobedience opposes and resists the light radiated by obedience). The following things will be before his eyes even if seeing he does not understand.

1) Her speech is honoring (vs. 1, 2, and 6)

She does not nag the disobedient husband (v. 1) but shows respect, (v. 2) and calls him lord (v. 6). Surely the bottom line of "calling him lord" is giving verbal recognition that the husband is the head of the home as so appointed by Christ (even if the husband does not acknowledge it in his disobedience; he may turn loving leadership into tyranny, but this does not mean he ceases to be head of the home; it means he disobeys Christ in this way too).

2) Her sexual conduct is pure (v. 2)

The husband may be disobedient the word and he may fail to provide his wife with a whole person security and fulfillment but she is committed to purity because she is committed to Christ. She will not seek intimacy or companionship with any other man than her husband because it is the purity and righteousness of Christ that is her salvation. Consider this a fortiori argument: if this is how a Christian wife should conduct herself toward a disobedient husband, how much more should she commit herself in purity toward her husband when he seeks to be obedient to Christ (even with much frailty). In this context, purity implies the promotion of a positive and healthy intimacy to whatever degree possible.

3) Her demeanor is gentle (v. 4)

Encouraged by the Scriptures and not tossed to and fro like the troubled sea, she displays a marvelous gentleness with her husband and all his failures. This text is speaking of a radical difference of faith on the part of husband and wife. But these words powerfully apply as well in all less radical cases (cf. the a fortiori argument again).

This is of the utmost importance in a biblically structured marriage. The husband shoulders the primary responsibility. He has to lead the way. When he does so and fails, he has to bear that on his shoulders. What a glorious provision of the Lord, when the wife is gentle because she has a calm heart that is fixed on God and His promises.

Truly, this kind of woman is a Christian that shows a wonderful strength. She seeks obedience to Christ, adornment of the hidden person of the heart before the Lord, and the beauty of goodness on the outside. So we have to think carefully in the next section about what is intended by "the weaker vessel" (3:7).

2A. Husbands, in this fallen world, exercise godly headship

When Peter addresses the husbands, he gives the "how," the "why" and the "what for" of godly headship.

1B. First, how does a husband fulfill his role properly?

Two particular qualities are cited and I wonder how many of us would even come close to thinking along these lines if we were guessing what Peter would say.

1) A godly leader will dwell with his wife in knowledge

The question is actually, "how is a husband to "house with" or dwell with his wife?" The term "live with" is built up from the word for house. The idea of "living with" hints at the mutuality of the original covenant of companionship (not alone, Gen. 2:18; brought her to the man, Gen. 2:22; Adam commented later that God gave the woman, "to be with me," Gen. 3:12). The wife is there to be with her husband to keep him from being alone. And Peter makes it clear that the husband is there to be with the wife to keep her from being alone (he is to be with her).

The husband is to have knowledge (literally, "dwell with your wives in knowledge"). It is as if your house or dwelling is to be filled with knowledge. Or better, it is like saying "as you dwell with her, the house in which you are to dwell together is the house of knowledge." Obviously, this means that he is to understand his wife by understanding God’s word about her. But it also includes the larger picture of dwelling together in the house of knowledge, the knowledge of God, of Christ, of the Holy Spirit, and of the Scriptures (OT and NT). This is related to the nourishing work of husbands. This is the first work of loving your wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself to nourish her (Eph. 5:25-29). Thus to be a loving husband you need to know your Bible. You need to be a student of Scripture, a true disciple in fulfillment of your baptismal pledge.

2) A godly leader will show his wife special honor.

Given the fundamental principle of headship, do we hear what Peter adds? He is to show honor to his wife! If he knows his Bible then he will honor her and make that fact known in all of his conduct toward her. Interestingly, he is to honor her as the weaker vessel. She is not said to be weak but weaker (cf. two tennis pros at the Australian Open; the weaker is hardly weak!). We have just talked about the strength of a godly helper; a marvel indeed! The weaker vessel is a relative position. The vessel is an instrument or utensil made by a potter. The woman is like a tea cup and the man is like an A and W root beer mug. It is not a matter of one being better than the other. It is a matter of function that is determined by the instrument maker or potter.

Here the vessel or tea cup is the female in her wholeness physically and emotionally. The female body is weaker than the male body. It is a biological fact that the female body and muscular system is less designed for strength than the male body and muscular system. This doesn’t mean that every man is stronger than every woman. For example, when my wife and I were first married she could give me quite a challenge in a wrestling match. One reason she can’t throw me around like she once did is because I was many pounds lighter back then. Or just consider a female weight lifter in comparison with a male that is small boned and has never been athletically inclined. Peter’s word is a generalization that is not demeaning in any way but speaks to that biological fact. Women are generally more intuitive and more emotionally fragile in the sense of more sensitive, more prone to empathize with others, and more likely to be hurt emotionally. Here again "weaker" is not weak. Being more sensitive involves strength. But in this context of the duty of submission "weaker" includes the relative idea of greater and lesser authority. This simply means that her role is the subordinate role, the role of helper-ship. She is in a position of relative weakness where she is called upon to submit.

The husband is to understand and honor his wife’s position as God assigned (He is the potter that has made each vessel). The husband must not be harsh, domineering, or selfish in how he treats her as a masterpiece of delicate china created by God for His glory. He must recognize her greater ability to be intuitive and sensitive and therefore her vulnerability to being hurt. His authority over his wife is to be nothing like a parent-child relationship. The husband is to carry himself in such a way that he gives special honor not simply formal respect. He is to show her honor in recognition of the dignity that she has as God’s creation to be His image bearer (cf. God created them in His image, male and female, Gen. 1:26-27) albeit, in the role of helper (cf. 1 Cor. 11:7).

A significant point here is that she has this honor and dignity and the husband is to have enough knowledge of Scripture and wisdom from the Lord to recognize it and show her special honor. Thus in private and in public, with her alone and in the context of others, the husband is to promote her honor as he fulfills his part in his covenant of companionship.

2B. Why does the husband do this?

It is because their common work of keeping covenant, exercising dominion, having children, following the six and one, and worshipping Christ on His Sabbath Day has the added blessing of being joint heirs of the grace of life. A husband who has a Christian wife should fall on his knees and thank God for her every day. Then he should get up from his knees and honor her in every way that he can possibly think of (in thought, word, and deed).

3B. The "what for" is last but hardly least

Fellowship with God is what is at stake in how a husband treats his wife. God withdraws fellowship from a husband when he fails to dwell with his wife with understanding and special honor. Husband, God will make sure that your prayers are hindered if you do not properly dwell with your wife. That means that it will be difficult to pray, your prayers will not get beyond the ceiling, and God will not fellowship with you or grant you true fellowship with His Son, the Holy Spirit, or the communion of the saints!

This is classic, monumental, experiential, and spiritual. It is all rolled together into the duty of godly headship. Is this too strong: "Show me a man who mistreats his wife and I’ll show you a devil"? If a man professes to be a Christian and he fails to honor his wife he is at the least devilish for he lives in direct rebellion against the Creator of male and female. He carries himself in disobedience to Jesus Christ the Lord of love. He surely quenches the Spirit and has a garden of Christian graces overgrown with weeds and thistles. This is truly a matter of great importance to the husband’s spiritual life, vitality, devotion, and discipleship under the authority of Christ.

Conclusion

The subjection of wives, the leadership of husbands, and the love of the Christian family are all rooted in the example of Christ. This is the point of each use of the term likewise (3:1, 7) and this term casts its shadow over the use of finally (3:8; cf. "for Christ also," v. 18 that directs all to the example of Christ). What was said of servants (1 Pet. 2:18-25) applies to wives, husbands, all of us.

Thus wives, be subject to your husbands from the hidden person of the heart and with a marvelous display of Christian graces, especially the grace of submission like that displayed by the Lord Jesus who "suffered for you leaving you an example" (1 Pet. 2:21). His speech was honoring to God and man (no deceit in his mouth, 2:22). He hoped in God "entrusting himself to him who judges justly" (2:23, justice will be perfectly manifested in the final day). Where the trials in this regard are great, He has provided you a way of escape (1 Cor. 10:13), hope, peace, and courage.

Husbands, live in a house of knowledge with your wives and give them special honor. Husband, cherish your wife and seek her spiritual nourishment. Acknowledge and show that you understand God’s design in the feminine qualities that make her unique. In other words, love her like Christ loved the church (including you) in giving Himself to the suffering of the cross. He bore our sins and He is our Shepherd and Overseer (2:24-25). Follow in His steps in how He shepherds and oversees your soul. How does He treat you? That is how you are to treat your wife with loving kindness beyond measure! Be a shepherd and overseer like Christ to your wife; love her as He loved the church. Again, that is a profound standard but attainable in sufficient degree by all who seek the Lord and make diligent use of the means He has provided. No Christian husband can simply shrug his shoulders and say, "I am what I am, I can’t change." He has to say "I am determined to change by God’s grace as I diligently take up His appointed means in repentance and faith."

Finally, to all of you (to all of us), Peter says, "Follow the example of Christ your elder brother who is tenderhearted in His care of you. He humbled Himself to the greatest humiliation of the cross. How can you do anything less than humble yourselves to one another in unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly kindness, and sisterly love?" (cf. 3:8).