Introduction

Peter tells us that our homes should be houses of knowledge (1 Pet. 3:7); we should dwell with our spouses in an environment of the knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ the risen Lord. According to Ephesians 5, a central task of a husband’s headship and leadership is to nourish his wife like Christ nourishes the church (25-28). The Lord nourishes His church in the way of holiness (v. 27). Husbands should likewise do all they can to promote the holiness of their wives.

This is pungent. It cuts through all the peripherals and gets to the heart of things. All other things, careers, major purchases of car or home, children’s education, etc. flow out of this like spokes from the hub of a wheel. Therefore, our homes should be filled with the aroma of baked bread, that is, baked gospel bread. This is what needs to fill the air where we dwell in houses of knowledge.

Today, I want to speak about how to do this so that our homes, our clothes, and our lives have a gospel smell to them. "How do we find nourishment for wives, husbands, and all of you?" "How can we have lives that emit the fragrance of Christ?" These are ways of stating the "how" question. I want to approach the "how" question in two steps. 1) Some principles underlying the "how to" of nourishment. 2) Some principles applying the "how to" of nourishment. In both, the goal is to discuss relevant implications and applications (and these principles overlap each other).

1A. Some principles underlying the "how to" of nourishment

To secure good nourishment on the gospel and on Christ as our bread of life we need some foundational principles, which underlie very practical application.

1) Who is responsible?

We must recognize that the responsibility of nurture in the home rests with the husband who is to be helped by the wife. It is essential that the husband help the helper and the wife must help the husband do this. He is to lead as spiritual leader in the home. She is to help him fulfill this role. Her helping includes shaping his leadership; there are some "chicken and egg" elements involved in the dynamics of this process (cf. she helps him nourish and cherish her!). The primary exhortations to husbands are:

• Dwell with your wives in knowledge (1 Pet. 3:7).
• Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her (Eph. 5:25).
• Nourish (and cherish) your wives like Christ nourishes the church (Eph. 5:29).

Thus, the husband is to lead the way in spiritual nurture of the wife and she is to help him fulfill this task (wives submit to your husbands and ask questions at home, Eph. 5:24; 1 Tim. 2:11; 1 Cor. 14:35). It is the same way for leadership in the church: the pastor has the responsibility of nurture and he must be helped by those he seeks to nurture. It is always a two way street between leadership and helper-ship.

So, who is responsible? Both are responsible. The husband has the leading role and the wife has the helping role. This sets a tone for the task. In this context, children are to honor Christ by honoring their fathers and mothers in this pattern. This means that children will ultimately look for gospel nourishment from their fathers as spiritual leaders in the home. They will do this if they are guided by reverence for Christ. Mothers must so instruct and encourage their children (and they too must be examples of submission following Christ as example). Thus a basic underlying pattern is ordained by the Lord in which husbands/fathers are spiritual leaders and wives and children are to submit to that leadership for nourishment on baked gospel bread.

2) What is the supreme goal?

The supreme goal of the husband’s nourishing work is the blessing of his wife in holiness unto the glory of God. Thus the great, chief, and ultimate goal of all things is the great, chief, and ultimate goal of male and female joined together in marriage. Husband and wife must seek to glorify God together in whatever they do (eat, drink, or whatever, 1 Cor. 10:31; there is no sacred/secular worldview here: eating, drinking are spiritual matters). This is an ultimate principle. It is a foundational principle for love, for marriage, and for life in general. Thus, husbands, seek the blessing of your wife for the glory of God! Seek her advancement in holiness.

3) What is the structure?

The structure for nourishment is the six and one daily pattern (Gen. 1:1-2:3; Ex. 20:8-11). This translates into at least two broad principles or hooks (regarding the one day and the six days).

a) Regarding the one day of rest, the principle is that the Lord’s Day is especially important for a loving marriage that glorifies God. In this way, God is glorified by good works defined by the law (Matt. 5:17-19). This means that His day provides a special opportunity for spiritual nourishment on a regular/weekly basis. The husband must set a good example (following Christ as an example setter). Then both husband and wife will give special attention to the preaching, reading, singing, symbolizing, and praying in terms of Scripture on the Lord’s holy day. They do this to give special honor to the Lord Jesus. This begins at church and continues through the prime time of the day.

b) Regarding the six days of work, a main way of nurture is by conversation. Everyday the husband should seek to interact with his wife in a fellowship of daily bread (try, make it a goal). Just as he should seek to have dinner with his wife every day to talk over the things of the day that both of them have faced; likewise, he should seek to clothe the conversation with fellowship in Christ. Both husband and wife are to put on the Lord Jesus Christ like putting on clothing for wherever they go and whatever they do in the six days.

So if you ask, "how could a husband have some biblical insight for his wife every day?" one answer is that it arises everyday out of his normal discipleship pursuit of Christ, to put Him on like putting on clothing. It can be as simple as meditating on a text early in the day, at lunch, and then at the dinner table. The husband thus opens a discussion on that text or a related text. He may say, "What do you think about this…?" My point is that to fulfill this role he does not have to be a theologian who has access to different biblical scholars on a daily basis. He does not even have to have all the answers; he simply must have some answers or just some questions that are rooted in reflection on a text. In doing this he needs the help of his wife. She may help by simply listening, making appropriate comments, or by asking questions at home. These things encourage the process; they encourage the husband.

In the six days, it is often best done ad hoc. It is informal and may be unstructured and open ended. By this I mean that you share something you are thinking about even if it is very rough and ready: "Let me tell you what I discovered." Or you may simply point in a direction you want to go: "I have been wondering what Scripture teaches about x. Do you have any thoughts on this? Let’s dig around and talk about it." You may have no idea at the beginning where you are going. You find out when you get there.

Or further, someone at work may have raised an objection to Christian faith such as the problem of evil. So you share this with your wife. And you say, "Let’s dig around on this theme and talk about it. Let’s look at the Westminster Confession." The reformed confessions are a great resource. You then together find the place where it is dealt with and discover that it is covered in both the WSC and the WLC. You then may decide that one of you will read G. I. Williamson on the WSC and the other will read J.Vos on the WLC. This reading may take some time and the study may even take a number of weeks because it has to be spread out in stages. A page or two might be read per day at lunch. At any point something may be noted and logged to share with husband or wife at the next opportunity (that night at dinner or as a beginning point for discussion the next Sunday afternoon). Sometimes these things feed into Sunday; other times they grow out of Sunday. It is very flexible, fluid, and open ended.

None of this means that either one of you have all the answers as if that is necessary. It is not necessary. It is not practical nor is it realistic. We have to grow in understanding and we do so together by interacting on a common reading to have a meeting of minds on common terms, definitions, concepts, and texts of Scripture. Growing together into a common understanding of the things of God is vital in godly fellowship and companionship; this point should be emphasized. It is true for the communion of the saints just as it is true for fellowship of spouses.

Of course, no progress can really be made without helping one another (submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, Eph. 5:21). That means that you will be sensitive to each other’s readiness, current mindset, and emotional strength at the moment (according to the need of the moment, Eph. 4:29). Thus you yield (Phil. 4:5, demonstrating reasonableness) you are courteous not rude (1 Cor. 13:5), and you exercise much patience, consideration, and steadfastness (i.e. love!). You keep at it with special attention to the Lord’s Day. With busy schedules, it is all a matter of priorities. Thus, the six and one helps in structuring priorities for nourishment.

2A. Some principles applying the "how to" of nourishment

1) Preserve the Sunday sermon (keep a hold on it; don’t let it slip away)

It is too easy to hear the word fall like seeds into our hearts and have birds come and devour them (cf. Matt. 13:4). By conversation, make miles out of the sermon. Drive away with it; take it with you and mull it over. Go in thought where the sermon pointed. Think out loud about the word of the day. Go to the Scriptures.

After our last communion service, I thankfully recall what my wife did on the way home from church and while we were making dinner. Driving home, I mentioned how much the resurrection appearances have really caught my interest. One of the first things she said to me was, "It is encouraging to remember the Lord in this way." Communion was not all that we talked about but as we went back and forth on different topics we kept returning to the resurrection theme (driving home, making the salad, sitting down to eat).

Looking back I see how much she was helping the conversation in the gospel; she helped me nurture her. She listened thoughtfully and responded with fitting comments about some significant facts (like the difference between an appearance as a fact and as a narration, the contrast between forty days and only seven appearances, and the concentration on the apostles). I am simply saying that there are ways to preserve the thoughts of the Sunday sermon; we should find them and apply them. One way is through conversation on the sermon.

2) Pray in terms of Scripture

When we sat down to eat, I asked my wife to pray and she willingly consented. I noticed things about her prayer. She thanked our heavenly Father for the provision of Christ and for how He is revealed to us in the Scriptures. I can’t recall all that she said but she repeated many of the things cited in the Gospels that we had been hashing over. I couldn’t help but think this thought: "this woman is a joint-heir with me in Christ." What a great principle to pray in terms of the Scriptures, repeating and incorporating things from the word.

3) Read God’s word out loud together

After dinner we took our coffee into the living room where some logs were burning on a bed of hot coals. She said, "Let’s read in the Gospels." I asked if she wanted to read one of the appearance narratives (which was my hope) and she said, "Yes, the one at the seashore but I don’t know where it is recorded." So we turned to John 21 where we each read a section out loud. She started with the first paragraph and before she got to verse 2 I made some comments about the general, perhaps vague, time reference. She patiently paused, listened, and then read down to verse 8. I read the next section and we traded back and forth in the reading, pauses and comments until we read the entire chapter. We can’t do this every day but Sunday is special. There is a different pace to our lives and we have opportunity to do a reading like this in a relaxed and unhurried way (in the context of God-ordained rest from our labors on the six days).

4) Ask questions about the word

Question and counter-question anything and everything. After we read the entire chapter, my wife had some questions and wanted to re-read sections. a) She wanted to clearly understand whose death is in view (vs. 19). b) She said regarding the interchange with Peter, "What is noticeably missing?" Then she made the point that nothing is said of Peter’s repentance or asking for forgiveness. Later we went back and forth with thoughts about the fact that though much is left unsaid here, we are told that Jesus appeared to Peter individually without the others present, and we can only imagine what that would be like (eye to eye personal conversation with the Savior that Peter had recently cursed three times). c) This raised the question as to who is meant by "James" the other individual to whom the Lord appeared personally and individually (cited in 1 Cor. 15:7). This is the brother of our Lord, a son of Joseph and Mary.

In this vein of questions and counter-questions, the next Sunday she suggested that we read through the sermon picking out parts to read out loud for discussion, questions, and comments. This is maximally profitable when we do this together; it really helps me help her. By a regular back and forth process, two minds can get onto the same wave length of thinking. We have to get there by talking over the Scriptures, terms, definitions, and concepts; the importance of this is greatly underestimated and it should be emphasized (1/2 the battle is in clarifying).

5) Bring all problems to the text

Discussion may begin with a text and end with some problem. It may be that as you discuss some challenges that these challenges become the point of entry into the Scriptures (cf. how we deal with an unreasonable person at work again, etc.). A bottom line here is that you cultivate the habit of seeking Scriptural guidance for every problem no matter what it is. It is wrong for Christians to depend on psychiatrists and psychologists for marital problems and other personal problems. It is wrong for at least two reasons. 1) Most of these professionals operate on the basis of non-Christian and anti-Christian principles, assumptions, and presuppositions. Therefore, they do more harm than good for the Christian. 2) Depending on "professionals" indicates that we are not using the means Christ has appointed. For nourishment the means include the submission of children to their parents, the submission of the wife to the husband, the submission of the husband to Christ. This means that children are to look in a special way to their fathers for spiritual nourishment by which to handle life’s problems. It means that wives will look to their husbands for spiritual nourishment in problem solving. It means that the flock will look in a special way to pastors for nourishment by which to deal with life’s difficulties. In this way we all look to Christ.

This may mean that you go over the same teachings again and again (this is how the doctrine of providence or Romans 8:28 is an ongoing guiding light on our pathway; so you have to revisit that passage and theme repeatedly). This is not a "broken record" syndrome. An ungodly syndrome is entered when we go back to the past in such a way that it becomes a hindrance to responsibility in the present. The subtle Freudian suggestion is that "you are a victim" of what others have done to you in the past. This leads to the false suggestion that "your problems today are not your fault."

Instead, what we need is to go back again and again to the Scriptures to get a handle on our problems. In this light, I am sincerely convinced that the only reason we have so many Christian professional counselors is because Christians are not taking up the means appointed by Christ. What this involves is trying to solve our problems in our own way, in an autonomous way not the way appointed by our risen Lord. That only complicates the problems. If you are a Christian then your problems need to be addressed the way Christ tells you to address them; it is the way of nourishment on the bread of life.

This may sound simple; it may sound like over simplification. But the truth of the matter is that the solution is simple. What makes it wrenching and complicated is sin. It gets progressively difficult to untangle ourselves when we keep going deeper into the spider’s web (we go deeper like this by not depending on biblical nourishment but on substitute solutions). I have used the illustration of a weed filled garden often. If you let the garden become overgrown with weeds then you will have difficulty finding fruits (peace, joy, self-discipline, Gal. 5:22). The overgrown condition occurs if we follow our ways rather than the ways appointed by the Lord. If you do not follow the order of nourishment appointed by Christ then you are dealing with your problems like dealing with a brain tumor, cutting away externals of the tumor without ever getting at its heart. The tumor of sin that is at the base of your problems in marriage or in any area of your life is thus allowed to grow, fester, do its damage, and even bring death.

Conclusion

1) The point is re-examination

However small and baby step like this may be, the point is that for a Christian the continual re-examination of all aspects of life is the name of the game. It may be the case that you have been a Christian for many years. Whether many years or few, you can truly say, "the Lord is not finished with me yet."

2) The issue is living by the word

It is like physical growth by a nourishing diet. The physical change that comes may be imperceptible when seen up close and in the short run. But we trust His promise of strength, success, and growth. The central issue is our walk with the Lord seeking to live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.

3) There are consequences

The consequence of a bad diet is poor health. The consequence of a proper diet is good health. Husbands, wives, all of us need a proper spiritual diet. To have loving homes, families, and churches we need regular nourishment on the bread from heaven.

4) It demands work

It takes order and structure according to God’s ordering and structuring of life. It takes work but this is the way that you discipline yourself for godliness with promise for the life that now is and for that life yet to come (1 Tim. 4:7-8). This is reasonable and priestly work (Rom. 12:1). And He is worthy of our best work.

Here is a simple pattern that can be followed in meditating on a passage.

What do I ask?

What is the text about?

How can I fulfill the duty required?

Where do I go for an answer these questions?

Read the text (carefully, repeatedly)

Read the context

Context before

Context after

Surely, any husband can give enough time to a text to be able to answer the general question, "what is this text about?" For example consider this passage: "Rejoice in the Lord always" (Phil. 4:4). It is obviously about rejoicing (you can take a stab at themes using a trial and error method). If the husband thinks about "rejoicing" and how it is encouraged here in this text, he may (should) inevitably evaluate his own sense of joy in the Lord. And a very good question to ask in reflection like this is the "How?" question. How can this be fulfilled? This is related to the fact that emotions like joy are not simply turned on and off like faucets. Where is a good place to go with a question like this to find some bits and pieces of the answer? Let’s always remember the most important principle of interpretation; this principle is to be crowned the king of principles in hermeneutics (methods of interpretation). It is the principle that context is king. So the husband (or wife) may say, "Well, can we get any guidance from the context?" You could simply say to your wife at dinner, "Honey, I have been thinking about this passage. What do you think it is talking about?"

In a contextual quest, you read what came before and what comes after looking for clues. What are the basic facts to identify and try to work with? Backing up we have reference to Christians, fellow workers, women who have labored side by side with Paul in the gospel, and you have some women who have issues with each other. There are two exhortations: come to agreement, and help these women and other fellow workers.

How could any Christians (two women, two fellow workers, or husband and wife) seek joy in the Lord always if they will not come to agreement and if they do not engage in a meaningful helping of one another? This shows that there is a substratum of mutual helping that is foundational to the wife’s helper role (the husband also helps!) just as there is a substratum of mutual submission that is foundational to the wife’s submission role (the husband also submits!). So the husband can say (in the early morning, at lunch, or at the dinner table with his wife), "I am asking for the opposite of joy (peace, tranquility and obedience to the Lord) if I do not seek the status quo of agreement (in which I must be agreeable). I am asking for the elimination of joy if I do not do what I can to help my wife in the gospel (in her labors in the gospel).

More is filled out if you then look ahead in the text. The "how" question leads to a simple point. Namely, being unreasonable is a common cause of tension. This leads to the opposite of peace (the opposite of joy and obedience to the Lord). As you read forward you finally hit the promise of peace. This has to be joyful peace and peaceful joy because it is hard to have one without the other (the anxious person has difficulty rejoicing in the Lord).

The wife could do exactly the same thing; the husband should encourage her to so. She might bring up the text to help the conversation (for nourishment on the bread of life). She might ask any of these questions that get them both scouring the context. She submits to this effort and helps in it at the same time.

There is no set length of time for this kind of interaction. On one occasion it might involve five or ten minutes and another time it might take up the whole evening (looking up things in the dictionary, finding references and cross references, searching the Westminster Standards or similar good teaching guides, and using the church web site as a research tool to see if the pastor dealt with the answer you are pursuing.).